Shame and Protection

Shame and Protection

Shame was already a topic here and there in my blog. It’s usually not the most pleasant feeling – and yet I have to realize that it means more than glowing cheeks and a pulling in the stomach. Shame is a shimmering feeling, curse and blessing at the same time.

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Energetic Vampyrism

Energievampyrismus

Energetic Vampyrism in everyday life and the distinction to Sanguine Vampyrism

Be it the boss who lacks psychological strength, who may have had a busy day and had to make difficult decisions, or the nurse who is overly stressed by work. The student who was bullied at school, or the student who was overlooked at university.

All these interpersonal inattentions – or in the worst case attacks-weakens everyone. No one feels good after an insult. The boss may become the culprit as soon as she comes home and scolds the husband for unfinished housework. She takes energy from him, which she lacks herself, by taking her frustration out on him, forcing herself to take a more powerful position. This way of dealing with her own deficits only leads to more suffering. The same is true for the student who is the victim first and either remains on a low energy level or also commits a perpetration.

 

An “energetic vampire” is especially aware of this loss of energy (as surely as meditators or other mindfulness practitioners are) and his path to dissolving this state involves recharging his batteries in a self-reflective setting by absorbing energy, taking into account the participants. It is a different perspective on the same thing.

     For this purpose, he may seek out a friend who is bursting with energy or happiness and who will rebuild him. Such an exchange of energy is therefore not always of a conscious nature – pantha rei. We do not have to decide to want to feel better. It just happens. The friend does not have to be “tapped” purposefully, he sprays his overflowing strength.

Others go to places where large crowds of people come together, maybe a concert or a busy pedestrian zone. There you can move unnoticed through the crowds and catch a little bits” of energy  here and there. You don’t take anything that is not available in abundance anyway. 

Nobody would call me a freeloader when I meet with friends and absorb the energy that flows – a romantic mood, a funny event, exuberant partying. All this fills you with a fresh spirit. This is not a typical vampire behavior. What is “typical for vampires” is the sharpened awareness of these energies flowing.

Still others explicitly look for an intimate moment that offers them what they need. They must or want to focus for this – they may suffer from an energy loss that is perceived as particularly unpleasant. They may seek a donor, a person they are very close to. These relationships are usually very intimate, not necessarily sexual. A donor offers and benefits from the excessed energy that otherwise makes themselves restless and unfocused.

So it is a give and take. No one is simply robbed (unless they are the ones who act thoughtlessly – but they certainly wouldn’t call themselves energy vampires…). And nobody is forced – at least in a mindful world.

Emotional Worlds of an awakening Vampyre

Of Understanding and Accepting

My awakening has been going on for a while now and I am observing new facets in my emotional life – apart from the “usual” behavioral changes that come with such an awakening. 

Recently I noticed that I find aggression more pleasant than before – and I am really not good with aggression, neither with myself nor with others. It was never pleasant, now I notice a little fluttering thrill. I had planned to better integrate this feeling, which is part of life, into my soul life. However, I expected a “Buddhist acceptance” rather than “lust”.

I know about all the differences, in principle from vampyre to vampyre – different behavioral and emotional prisms within the community.

As an otherwise very composed person with a stable emotional life, I observe my new approach to this feeling with curiosity and a little caution. 

In a society that rejects aggression as a basic behavioral pattern, but at the same time takes it to the extreme in cultural assets (I’m talking about horror movies or even the normal series of today that don’t mince words to shock viewers), it can be difficult to find a balance. 

Aggression causes many to achieve something for themselves, it is a driving force – used correctly. But this positive aspect is demonized together with all the other negative ones. One remains behind in one’s personality development if one does not actively look for a better way to deal with “demonized feelings”. 

            In this context a consideration of the so-called “sensation-seeking” is certainly also exciting. An extraordinarily symbolic term for a feeling that so many people are looking for. Be it by riding the most blatant roller coasters or just watching the worst horror movies. But here we are also at one end of a scale, which in weaker forms also includes lighter depictions of violence or even unfavorable behavior, such as “curiosity”. 

But I am no psychologist. My observations mainly include my own experiences, but I can justifiably claim that I want to use “fearlust” as a pleasant thrill.

            A hunger for experience and stimulation (in a time as safe as the present one) certainly finds its origin in the unwanted, let alone lived out, urge to aggression or its experience. It was important to fight aggressively for survival at the right moment. And today? Where to put it, where it is not necessary to reach your goals by force? 

            So in moments when something triggers me and I feel aggression, I try a new way – instead of looking away – instead of being ashamed – being self-confident.

My path to resolution also includes hyping through crass series, loud music, roller coastering and feeling inside myself, enjoyment through empathy, and finally dismantling through sports and in conversations with others. 

Aggression has so many exciting sides that I still have to discover. 

And perhaps the attraction lies in the unpredictability of the feeling. It would be too easy if it could be easily controlled. How poor would a life be without the challenge to oneself? Vampyrism forces me to new reflections and consequently to personality development. When a hunger seizes me and focuses my attention, I want to be focused but never aggressive. I want to let the animal run a meter, so to speak, but keep the leash in my hand. I do not want to strangle it, trample it or hide it in the dark. It should complement and strengthen me. 

Bloodlust

Thirst, Hunger, Desire – An Introduction

The one thing that unites us.

In addition to everything that we may not share by definition, “thirst”/”hunger” is a significant component.
This thirst, which for me has clear contours and is expressed very unambiguous, was one of the things I observed that led me to the topic of vampyrism. The thirst expresses itself differently from vampyre to vampyre.

We differentiate between Sanguinists and Energy Vampyres, whereby the latter, as “not-yet-awakened”, represent a special “danger” for others, inasmuch as they unconsciously and thus unregulated drool for energy. You can read more about energy vampyrism here.

Sanguinists then speak of a craving for blood. The thirst can suddenly break its course – perhaps because the V has been unexpectedly weakened (just one strenuous day is enough), but it can also swell up and down, i.e. return in cycles, while others notice it and hold it out or prevent it with the help of substitute actions – more about this in a moment. 

What triggers hunger?

From psychiatry the term “trigger” has meanwhile entered the mainstream – it means a behavioral trigger, in our case an event that can “switch on” hunger. It can be things like a cut on the finger of a colleague at work or an appealing scene from a film. The triggers are manifold.

Each vampire decides for himself whether he exposes himself to these triggers. He can try to take the sting out of the trigger by lowering the threshold for triggering the behavior by “habituation”. Just as well he can decide to expose himself to the trigger consciously – because if I’m honest (and I’m only talking about me now), hunger and its stimulating accompanying emotions is a very attractive companion.

How does hunger manifest itself?

As I want to emphasize again – we clearly distinguish between the fictional vampire and the real vampyre. The former is known for not being able to live without blood, he is dependent on it as food, so to speak. Without it it becomes weak, maybe even dies.

The real vampyre is a variety of the human being. He does not need blood to live, he gets along in principle very well without it. But what he knows very well about “withdrawal” or a hunger phase are symptoms like tiredness, exhaustion, depression, lack of concentration…

Some people who define their thirst primarily in terms of iron deficiency or other nutritional deficiencies may also perceive themselves as anaemic, in the sense of their own anaemia. This is often accompanied by a higher pulse rate during exertion, etc. Vs that define themselves by medical conditions are therefor called “Med Sangs”.

From the outside, this condition can be recognized by increased paleness, restlessness or even dejection – and it can be assigned if one knows about the status of the other person. Hunger, which has been held back for a long time, can have these rather unpleasant side effects.

Hunger that occurs in the short term (perhaps because it has been triggered) can also be more than that: it can act as a stimulant – blood pressure rises, vision becomes clearer, a more conscious perception of one’s own body and focus on the immediate surroundings sets in – one’s own body adjusts to a kind of hunting. This can lead to so-called shifts (as described here).

A secular theory, which is discussed in the vampyre society, regards humans as hunters and vampyres as a form of the same, who have not lost this hunting instinct. Humans belong to the hunters (and gatherers of course), we all have gifts to hunt, kill and finally eat animals, only our refrigerators are well filled and this gift remains unused at least in our society.

The desire – is one at the mercy of it?

Especially in the awakening phase, many people report that hunger overwhelms their own thoughts and feelings. One’s own thoughts revolve around the subject of blood, its attraction and the longed-for calm when the thirst is satisfied… Usually the feeling of powerlessness in the face of the desire for blood subsides over time. Either because ways are found to avoid it, to prevent it or to satisfy it.

And even though it can be a very unpleasant companion, it does not force us to commit violent acts (as sometimes read in the tabloids or in crime stories) or to die from them. Vs should also always keep a rational overview of their actions because of their reflective nature. 

So here it is necessary to give in to one’s own/religious/natural/… morality – no human should be taken by surprise. Nobody may be hurt who does not voluntarily agree to it. A donor who gives his consent to bodily harm and blood donation is of highest value for the vampyre.

Similar codes of conduct apply here as in any other scene entering the grey zone (for example BDSM). From a legal point of view, depending on how it is interpreted, it is immorality, bodily harm or similar. And even if I appeal to the intellect here, I have to admit that I cannot (yet) estimate “my” hunger. So if I can’t be sure not to hurt my donor, then I should avoid triggers or find other ways to deal with them.

Anyway, I will not die of my thirst, it just makes it harder than it should be…

 

Substitute actions
Drink red juices
Eat a rare steak
Doing sports

Eat something hot

Do some walk
Provide distraction…
This is of course not an exhaustive list.

All of these actions can help to quench the thirst in a more relaxed way. They can be used preventively, if one tends to recognize it too late or as a substitute action in case it has already occurred. Not everyone has a voluntary donor on hand and so the V must take action himself.

 

My own thirst, for example, usually sneaks up on me for a few days and then takes me by surprise – I’m not very good at recognizing it in time yet. Apart from that I still lack insight. I see the thirst, I notice my lust for blood and yet I can’t bring myself to actually pursue it. Only when I have accepted this part will I be able to satisfy it – in agreement with a voluntary donor. Until then, I will do a lot of sports, eat a healthy diet and treat myself to a glass of iron fizz here and there. 😀

Shifts

Shift

My breath goes slower and deeper. My posture has changed. I stretch out my chin as if I wanted to pick up a scent. My muscles feel supple, I feel the inherent strength. I am relaxed and focused at the same time.

My gaze loses its sharpness, but I perceive my outer field of vision, the fine hairs on my cheeks stand up, feeling every breeze.

My mouth is watering… I see blood. This special way of changing my perception of blood can be described in a similar way. These “shifts” are well known in the scene, but do not resonate with every echo. Not everyone feels so instinctively addressed by a “meal”. There is even a whole group that follows this rather animalistic approach of Realyvampyrism.

Instinct Theory

One of many theories on this is found in the innate hunting instinct of humans. Even if this instinct is no longer known or experienced as such, the evolutionary component cannot be overestimated. Aggression and the willingness to use violence were once extremely useful behaviors for hunting, but they could also be acted out in it. Today… – well, those with a surplus of martial arts or mutate to hooligans on weekends. It is only right to call a human being rational, if one considers that he can only be placed on a scale between instinctive acting (unconsciously) and rational. Special attention is also paid here to the veto right of the own consciousness. However, before a decision to act (which, according to the latest findings of brain research, was taken unconsciously and then transferred to consciousness), a last part of the brain has the right to veto. Who hasn’t yet caught himself reaching for the last bar of chocolate and then stopping his hand before reaching the delicacy in motion?

Dealing with a shift – morality as a protective shield

Such shifts are not always triggered and not always allowed. What do I mean by this? The sight of blood can, but need not, cause such a reaction on the part of the vampire. If the vampire is saturated or simply relaxed, he may or may not trigger the shift on a purely voluntary basis. Usually this is perceived as pleasant, it is an experience.

But some people can also be taken by surprise and avoid triggers altogether. For clarification: A shift is simply a shift in perception. There is no talk of an active action to end this state – it may or may not follow afterwards.

But if these shifts are triggered, they can be overwhelming. Then it is a matter of keeping calm or at least regaining calm.

Under certain conditions, a safe acting out is possible – an initiated donor, safety precautions, a safe space… which is necessary.

The goal must never be to act out the hunting instinct in an actual hunt, i.e. to grab and/or injure another person. There are rules, a morality and this can surely not be simply “overridden”, even if this state can be partly exhausting. And this is where our own morals use their veto right, even if it means energetic effort at this moment – the state is tempting, but acting out the same would possibly have unwanted consequences. The tension between these two poles is endured or pacified.

Self control and limits

It is a dark part of oneself, a shadow side that is tempting, but should only lead to satisfaction when controlled.

No vamp wants to have to deal with his conscience afterwards, because he might have burdened a loved one beyond his limits. And certainly not one would like to make oneself legally attackable, because one has harmed someone in a way not agreed upon (Legally, as a sanguine practitioner one always moves in a grey area!)

But if you get the chance to live out your life in a controlled way, this control can become a strengthening element, in the sense of an ability that builds you up and enriches your own feeling with a mesmerizing component.

Those who are able to act out their behavior within the framework of their own morality and in consultation with other participants will also recognize their own limits. This realization offers the possibility to perceive oneself more consciously. Boundaries do not have to have a restrictive effect, but can also help you to recognize your place in the world. They can integrate you and give you security.

The shift as a link between the unconscious and the conscious

A shift gives you a wonderful opportunity to loosen up the always active, consciously acting and reason-led behavior. You can trace the sensation, give it space, discard shame, go on a dream journey, explore your own fantasies. There is still time for a revision afterwards.

(I’m not talking about letting go and crossing boundaries!) Meditation exercises in this state can certainly lead to a more holistic picture of the self. A shift may be able to show you your own darker sides, to look at them, to make friends with them and finally to integrate them.

Those who deal with shamansimus in a special way or call themselves Otherkin o.A. can meet their own animal being or their companion here.

 

This article is only a first insight into the complex of topics “animal in the vampyre”. The topic is still being explored by me and I am happy about new insights every day. This blog should help you to recognize yourself, to know that you are not alone with your feelings. If you feel the need to add your own little blog post here, please contact me 😉

The Beast in the Vampyre

Blood Droplet

The Beast in the Vampyre – A short preface

In vampyrism there is a concept of the dragon/beast/animal in the self of a vampyre. Here we dive deeply into the spiritual-mythological approaches of the vampire self-understanding. To avoid confusion with the concept of Jung’s shadow: It is not about suppressed contents that take on a form of their own.

An example: Someone who was neglected by his parents as a child clings today – he will possibly solve the problem if he becomes aware of this shadow, i.e. this repressed state. Here you can read more about the concept of the shadow: Man and his symbols (link comes up soon)

Here it is rather about a dark part of the vampyre’s own personality, which is often conscious of the vampire, which does not always think morally and which can also frighten the vampyre himself. An example also for this: The neighbor is annoying by playing loud music. You think about how to harm him (but without doing it – at best!). Depending on which violent fantasy you pursue, you can be frightened about what is going on inside you.

I think everybody feels these wild, dark parts in themselves – only nobody talks about it, because we are social beings who need acceptance in society in order to survive or at least to feel comfortable.

With this foreword in the back of my mind, I now dare to interpret the concept.

The concept of the untamed portion


Basically, people and people who consider themselves to be vampyres do not differ here – the difference is not whether this part is present or not, but that the vampire is aware of it. In his confrontation with himself, he dares to penetrate earlier or even more intensively into these rather dark chambers of his soul and to actually look at what lies dormant there. Some people explain this with corresponding experiences, others do not call worse traumatic experiences their own, which could be the basis for an explanation. So it is less about what we have experienced – or not – but rather about the way we understand ourselves and our behavior, whether we cling to the light or allow the shadow to play its part.  

Bad experiences, a psychological imbalance or an acute phase of stress can leave their traces, some remain present for a lifetime, others fade away – but they always remain a scar. The “right” way to deal with these triggers and their consequences must be explored subjectively – what works for one person does not necessarily work just as well for another.

What is certain is that, in order to understand ourselves as a whole, we must turn our eyes away from the sun for once, in order to finally be able to see ourselves in the shadow that light first creates. This costs energy and should at best be done in awareness of the possible consequences. Help from outside may also be necessary. Don’t be frightened, because the result is a completely new understanding of yourself and your place in the world.

This dark part now can show itself as a fantasy of violence, as deep sadness or in a completely different form.  We can try to see this part, tolerate it, accept it and finally even use it as a source of strength.


An example:

I have never learned to argue. When it became difficult, everything was hushed up – the proverbial elephant in the room. One day I had my first panic attack – and fought for a year to get back into a normal life. The panic attacks were a more than clear indication that I urgently needed to learn to communicate my problems and feelings.

It took me some time to understand this, but when I realized this, I had the chance to look at it and understand the panic: This is a part of me that wants to tell me something. I don’t need to be afraid of the panic, I just need someone to whom I can tell just how I am!

And so the knot came loose.

 

Vampyres (and here again I never talk about all of them!) approach their true nature in their development, oscillating in phases. As you can follow here so well, I also radiate and doubt again and again, only to speak of myself as a vampyre some time later with all my love. This process takes time and energy and patience with myself. And patience is not one of my strengths… But no matter how the journey ends, I learn an incredible amount about myself and it is worth the effort.

FREUD’S CONCEPT FOR THE SOUL BUILDING – “The Ego and the Id”

“It is the dark, inaccessible part of our personality; the little we know about it, we have experienced through the study of dream work and neurotic symptom formation, and most of it has a negative character, can only be described as the opposite of the ego. We approach the Id flat with comparisons, calling it a chaos, a cauldron of seething excitement.” – Sigmund Freud: New sequence of lectures

Now we want to take a closer look at the nature of the animal. Its most striking characteristic might be its uncontrollability, at least that’s what I associate here. According to my own understanding, the concept of the animal could be comparable to that of the “Id” in Freud’s psychic structural model, i.e. the part of the personality that acts unconsciously, but above all in relation to itself. There is a lust, a desire and this does not tolerate any delay. Here live affects, libido and “Destrudo”, as Wikipedia so beautifully describes the will to destroy.

According to Freud, there is also the super-ego, which in its behavior stands in opposition to the ego, i.e. it fights against the ego sensibly and downright with the weapons of its own mind. On a macro-level, the “id” embodies one’s own needs, while the “super-ego” wants to or has to follow given commandments and social norms (i.e. especially prohibitions).

And finally, the “I” stands between the two, so to speak, and tries to strike a balance between desire and impatience on the one hand and cool mind and calculation on the other. It acts in critical awareness and tries to stop its own drives – which in turn is a mandatory prerequisite for a healthy social structure, but leads to inner conflicts when an imbalance is provoked.

The animal now moves more on an instinctive level, it embodies the ego and its needs. It proceeds wildly and impetuously, even against its own “landlord”, who then tries to keep it in check with means it has learned on the one hand, and those which are innate to it on the other – sometimes with great effort. It is necessary to give him leash, to give him a leeway without losing control.

Imbalance


The real danger now would be to take the leash off the animal – usually this is hardly possible to the full extent, at least for all those with an intact moral compass. Murderers and sex offenders are often enough diagnosed with a brain injury or a structural psychosocial change due to trauma. An injury or a birth defect can certainly lead to behavioral changes. Consider the case of Phineas Gage.

In our case, however, I assume that the moral compass works very well and that every reader knows his conscience. This instance, which makes life difficult for you when you have eaten the last cookie of your partner, for example. So in order to be able to create a balance between instinct and mind, this control instance is needed.

But what if this instance starts to falter?

To my shame, I have to admit that it hasn’t been three years since I did and said some questionable things myself. At that time, I was very much concerned with the rather darker parts of the human being and recognized these in myself. With every book I read and every documentary I watched, I sank deeper into a swamp of questions about the existence of an universal morality and my own limits. After only a few weeks I noticed how my moral boundaries shifted and as a result the animal grew within me. My conscience became quieter and quieter and when I write about it today, my heart sinks. Obviously a kind of desensitization took place, which I could only turn around with difficulty in the end. The price was deep-seated shame and, to be honest, a deep shock at what I was capable of and at how much joy it had given me to exceed the limits of others.

I had given the animal too much leash.

However, in my honour I must also admit that my conscience is one of the more persistent kind. I usually move within narrow limits, perhaps more narrow than some others. What I have given of myself this year would only bring a tired smile to Hannibal Lecter.

But since then I feel my limits more clearly.

The goal – a healthy handling of the own animal


During my research on the topic I had some inspiring conversations with vampyres who told me about their experiences with their own animal.

A vampyre probably rarely comes closer to his animal than in a drinking situation. It rears up, the desire for blood becomes unrestrained. The focus is on the here and now, on the red warm wet that runs over skin, looking for a way down, bright and promising. Where I myself write these lines, I imagine such a situation and feel agitated. There is this tension in my jaw again.

The mind closes in and fog covers the borders to the outside world like absorbent cotton. The otherwise omnipresent feeling for one’s own physical boundaries blurs and makes way for a new unity. The animal is allowed to leave its cave for a few moments.

This state can be accompanied by all kinds of different mental states of consciousness and physical changes. Trance, which reaches to a dissociative state, inner peace and focus, which are similar to meditation, but also effervescent and dominant moments arise. Growling, scratching and biting (not for blood! 😉 ), scuffling, tingling goose bumps, heavy breathing, bared teeth, physical dominance… and the deep satisfaction and silence that the animal leaves behind when it withdraws once the desire is satisfied. 

Integration and Consensus


The metaphor of the animal is perfectly suited to establish a relationship with your own animal. Instead of a nebulous dark figure, this part becomes tangible. One can occupy oneself with it in a way, which makes an integration possible into the own “mental house”.

For me at least the idea of a dark companion helps, who stands by my side and gives me strength and in return also roams freely. It comes to a consensus with myself, which enables me to reach a consensus with others.

 

My heartfelt thanks go especially to Cessedy, who gave me an insight into her own being.