By Legio Sanguinis
Growing up is inevitable. Childhood’s end is marked by the realization that the fantasies and stories we were told as children can only prepare us so much for the real world. We learn about heroes, villains and monsters. At the core of these stories are these archetypes; Idealised embodiments of the whole of human experience. The way in which these archetypes take form for us is dependent upon our upbringing; Whether we chose to believe in an overall order in the Cosmos or not is our own decision. Are we the hero, or the villain in our own story? Or do we fall somewhere in between?
Some of us have a second growing up of sorts. Aside from coming to terms with the harshness of the world and its seeming lack of orderliness at times, we are able to sense invisible entanglements which join all things. These links can be emotions such as suffering; Pain; Joy, and even pleasure. In a strange way, we can follow these like a beacon; Drawn to them like moths to a flame, or sharks to blood.
This isn’t something which is taught, nor which can be exactly learnt, but definitely a skill which is honed and perfected. The way in which a fish instinctively knows how to breathe underwater, so do we few have to face the incontrovertible reality of our nature and how to follow it with caution.
Trying to go against it is as futile as battling the course of the wind, for it will tear us apart. When acting against it, we deny ourselves and can enter states which in themselves are utterly destructive. Our only course of action is to take wing, and allow it to do the rest.
Nourishment is thought only as that which the physical body requires to keep going. Certainly, as beings who exist as corporeal entities, we need food. This is what our organs break down and turn it into energy. We open our eyes and break our nightly fast. We exit our places of habitation and head to perform menial tasks for remuneration, and so on…day after day. Surely I need not go into the minutiae and trivialities of the mundane activities we get up to. Yet, it is the mundane which serves as a sort of baseline for that which is less than ‘usual’ about us.
In a very real sense, we are like others in the natural world. We are born, we grow old and eventually expire. What happens afterwards is entirely up for debate. It is how we go through these stages which marks exactly how it is we deviate from the ‘norm’. Nature and evolution have taken billions of years to produce creatures as intricate as we, to be sure.
And by ‘we’ I mean vampyres.
Such a charged word, there. Certainly, countless writers and authors have covered the subject ad nauseam. Since the inception of the idea and the myth, enough accounts and testimonies have been provided to fill an entire library, or more. Monstrous creatures in the night come to steal the life force of the living. How utterly terrifying.
I for one know that I am not one of those undead abominations. I am under no such delusion of grandeur. I am very much a breathing, living person with the same needs as other living organisms, with a small variation.
If we are familiar with genetics, a single change in one’s DNA brings forth a mutation. Enough changes and thus comes forth a whole different species. I am not, to the best of my knowledge other than homo sapiens. However, I do feel there is a need in me which is unmet by forms of gathering sustenance common to other carbon-based life-forms. And that is a certain hunger which goes far deeper.
When I mean hunger, you the reader may conjure up in your mind a ravenous, famished beast out to rip throats and tear bodies to shreds. If only it were that simple and dramatic. The appeal of the vampyre in film is their ease; Ease to just be away from civilization and to move in the shadows; Unseen and unencumbered by physical limitations, or the constraints of time and mortality.
I, however, am just as mortal as anybody else. My hunger presents itself in the form of an ‘energy’ deficiency. When I think energy, I think of that which is generated within living organisms, as well as particles bursting all around us in the universe.
You, I, and all of us are made up of energy. Our bodies give off heat, and our cells burn and move, filled with it. It is then no small thing to make the claim which I am about to make. And that is of the existence of frequencies which are invisible to the eye. Perhaps on some subatomic level, they are all around us. And we, the gifted few are able to tap into them in some form of another. I am of the belief that our physical body is imbued with such frequencies and ‘subtler’, ethereal forces which coincide with the workings of our own physical body.
Were I not so sure of my own sanity, I would be as equally worried. There is no terminology which can be used to describe what I admittedly know to be true about myself without coming off as some vapid, New Age drivel. Some occultists and seekers of “hidden truths” within our community of “Psi Vampyres” are fond of using obscure language that coincides with and borrows from religious and spiritual philosophies. This, unfortunately, appears to be the only available manner of explaining that which we are to the world at large.
I will not deny the non-corporeal elements of my own nature and that which allows me to continue living a more full, healthy life. This I learnt after much introspection and reading the works of well-renowned individuals involved in these areas of expertise.
As previously mentioned, though we receive ample health benefits which our physical body requires from consuming food, there has always been an additional need to take from that which is referred to as life force, or Qi (氣), in traditional Chinese culture, and which is present in life-forms.
Why this occurs has been hypothesized about. Some claim that it is due to some imbalance within our subtle bodies, which some would call ‘astral’ or ‘ethereal’. Perhaps even a deficit within the energy centres, referred to as chakras by the general population. As to what extent this is true, I do not exactly know.
All I know is that once I engage in this absorption of ‘energy’ from another, I feel better. For years I was riddled with physical afflictions such as migraines and nosebleeds, as well as bone fractures. Interaction with individuals claiming to be vampyres aided that which is known as ‘awakening’, and eventual increase in health.
I could say that the process was similar to discovering a new flavour of ice-cream. A flavour which can neither be described properly with words, nor can it be shown to others. How can I prove to you that this flavour exists if neither of us can describe what it tastes like? I truly hate the pitfalls of ‘faith’, or whatever it is we wish to refer to it as. Yet there it is, and it exists. It was very much like finding the Holy Grail, if I may be allowed to use such grandiose language. I understand it is not a panacea, and that all of a sudden I will not be granted complete immunity from the ills and the tribulations which plague us living beings. That would be quite silly and absurd of me.
In this discovery I found a way to gain access to it at any time, as well. I understood, in my own limited way, that it was something which my body had been missing. I cast off my so-called mentors whose agendas were less than savoury and focused on developing myself. For a period of about eight years I found a way to block this conscious form of feeding, so to speak. That time, where I had once more found myself at a crossroads proved to be unbelievably harmful to my health both physically and mentally, perhaps to the extent where neurological conditions which were perhaps dormant manifested fully, thus wreaking havoc on my psyche and my body. There was indeed a chasm which could not be filled by anything. Not relationships, food or frivolous activities which were borderline dangerous seemed to do anything for me.
Perhaps it met my requirements; As one ravenous beast would feast even on the dregs and the leftover carcasses of roadkill, so I took whatever was given me without a second thought.
It is now, nearing my thirty-first year of life that I have gained a much better understanding of myself. Past the mythological and over-romanticised aspects of being a vampyre, and the flawed teachings of those I once trusted. I understand why I do what I must do, and I must do so selectively. And as I am today a vegan, so am I an ethical vampyre who carefully chooses who it is I take Qi from. For what my subtle body takes interferes entirely with the rest of my physical body in ways which not even I can fully comprehend. Mens sana in corpore sano.
Furthermore, I have finally encountered someone who is just as interested in my well-being as myself. It is through his help that I am able to now accept and embrace who I am.
Vampyrism is different for us all. Some may link it to a spiritual development, whereas others regard it as an extension of their own physiological processes. Maybe it is both, or something else entirely.
We have a dual ending: That of our childhood, and that of our mundane lives, if that is what we decide to refer to them as. In the end, only each and every one of us gets to decide what it really means to be a vampyre.