Not amused

vampir Blut

Today I’m going to make a completely selfish contribution. I want to get something off my chest. You can skip this article if you don’t want to read anything about my rage. 

I am pissed off! I’ve had a few weeks in which I was busy with my life and was wonderfully distracted. I was focused on my work – which I enjoy very much, no question – but the focus led to the fact that I hardly paid attention to my own needs. I hadn’t put the topic of vampyrism aside, after all I’m actually always working on the blog, but the real debate about it fell by the wayside.

And now the animal took advantage of my carelessness to loosen its leash. I can literally see it in front of me, how it restlessly moves up and down in its cave, waiting for a weakness on my part. Something like a careless outing, for example, simply because my thirst is wearing me down.

Did it happen to you that you thought “Fuck it, I’m going to ask my friend XY today if I can’t even suck on him. And of course, there is absolutely nothing to be said against coming out, at best with someone you trust and who you think you can handle this somewhat strange request. If we could not ask our friends, who could support us and free us?

But I am always worried about not being ready. I cannot take the last step yet. I am not ready to fall on my face. Maybe I realize that all this is not meant to be, that I don’t want or need blood or or. Well, sometime I will overcome myself. I mean, I deal with it a lot, nobody is asking me to be a vampire myself in order to belong to the community. The blog also works great that way. I would just do supportive work and still be at home with the people who carry me with so much patience.

On the other hand I can’t imagine who exactly I could ask. There are wonderful people in my life, but either their smell doesn’t suit me or I just can’t imagine it – I also don’t want to have sex with everyone just because I’m starving…

But I can’t wait until I meet the “right one”. There we have it again of “expectations” and reality. Nobody will serve me the donor of my dreams on a silver platter.

As you can see, my impatience is killing my mind. With nerve-wracking precision it gnaws at my inner frame of mind until every evening anew all dams break and my fantasies take on forms reminiscent of splatter films. They trigger and pull at me, which I try to keep in check, only to find out in the end that I am at my own mercy and bath in my own doubts – how melodramatic. Then I find myself in the kitchen again, eagerly drinking a glass of iron substitute and seriously toying with the idea of cutting myself, hoping for a few drops of blood. At least my “I’m completely nuts and should undergo therapy” thoughts are kept in check.

In general, these worries have become quieter. I don’t lose sight of the fact that such a blood thirst is – to say the least – unusual and that I don’t conform to any norm with this behavior, as so many people here do. I still have the slightest problem with that. What is already normal?

But I don’t want to hurt myself either, so I let the thought go, do some physical exercises (if I haven’t already been out for a long walk during the day anyway, so I don’t want to let it get that far) and sit down in bed – and bang! A vampire novel… how stupid can you be? Like an addict…

In the evening it’s generally worst, you get to rest and have time to reflect on the day. With relaxation, however, more or less unconscious or suppressed topics come up and then it was with relaxation. Don’t get me wrong – I don’t go crazy every evening, but I do now. And every time I know that the phase will end sooner or later and then I can go back to my peace. After all, I am no longer ashamed of these moments, but look at them with acceptance. It’s all right, I guess it somehow belongs to me now – and I’m not the only one who has problems. To know that you are not alone is worth its weight in gold…

Hereby a thanks to the dear people who have an open ear for such a bloody beginner like me. (pun not intended ;P)

I grab some tea and my damn vampire novel and grumble while I watch Edward trying not to eat Bella.

In that sense, stay healthy and free and happy – and do not feel alone. ^^`

 

 

Emotional Worlds of an awakening Vampyre

Of Understanding and Accepting

My awakening has been going on for a while now and I am observing new facets in my emotional life – apart from the “usual” behavioral changes that come with such an awakening. 

Recently I noticed that I find aggression more pleasant than before – and I am really not good with aggression, neither with myself nor with others. It was never pleasant, now I notice a little fluttering thrill. I had planned to better integrate this feeling, which is part of life, into my soul life. However, I expected a “Buddhist acceptance” rather than “lust”.

I know about all the differences, in principle from vampyre to vampyre – different behavioral and emotional prisms within the community.

As an otherwise very composed person with a stable emotional life, I observe my new approach to this feeling with curiosity and a little caution. 

In a society that rejects aggression as a basic behavioral pattern, but at the same time takes it to the extreme in cultural assets (I’m talking about horror movies or even the normal series of today that don’t mince words to shock viewers), it can be difficult to find a balance. 

Aggression causes many to achieve something for themselves, it is a driving force – used correctly. But this positive aspect is demonized together with all the other negative ones. One remains behind in one’s personality development if one does not actively look for a better way to deal with “demonized feelings”. 

            In this context a consideration of the so-called “sensation-seeking” is certainly also exciting. An extraordinarily symbolic term for a feeling that so many people are looking for. Be it by riding the most blatant roller coasters or just watching the worst horror movies. But here we are also at one end of a scale, which in weaker forms also includes lighter depictions of violence or even unfavorable behavior, such as “curiosity”. 

But I am no psychologist. My observations mainly include my own experiences, but I can justifiably claim that I want to use “fearlust” as a pleasant thrill.

            A hunger for experience and stimulation (in a time as safe as the present one) certainly finds its origin in the unwanted, let alone lived out, urge to aggression or its experience. It was important to fight aggressively for survival at the right moment. And today? Where to put it, where it is not necessary to reach your goals by force? 

            So in moments when something triggers me and I feel aggression, I try a new way – instead of looking away – instead of being ashamed – being self-confident.

My path to resolution also includes hyping through crass series, loud music, roller coastering and feeling inside myself, enjoyment through empathy, and finally dismantling through sports and in conversations with others. 

Aggression has so many exciting sides that I still have to discover. 

And perhaps the attraction lies in the unpredictability of the feeling. It would be too easy if it could be easily controlled. How poor would a life be without the challenge to oneself? Vampyrism forces me to new reflections and consequently to personality development. When a hunger seizes me and focuses my attention, I want to be focused but never aggressive. I want to let the animal run a meter, so to speak, but keep the leash in my hand. I do not want to strangle it, trample it or hide it in the dark. It should complement and strengthen me.