Of Understanding and Accepting

My awakening has been going on for a while now and I am observing new facets in my emotional life – apart from the “usual” behavioral changes that come with such an awakening. 

Recently I noticed that I find aggression more pleasant than before – and I am really not good with aggression, neither with myself nor with others. It was never pleasant, now I notice a little fluttering thrill. I had planned to better integrate this feeling, which is part of life, into my soul life. However, I expected a “Buddhist acceptance” rather than “lust”.

I know about all the differences, in principle from vampyre to vampyre – different behavioral and emotional prisms within the community.

As an otherwise very composed person with a stable emotional life, I observe my new approach to this feeling with curiosity and a little caution. 

In a society that rejects aggression as a basic behavioral pattern, but at the same time takes it to the extreme in cultural assets (I’m talking about horror movies or even the normal series of today that don’t mince words to shock viewers), it can be difficult to find a balance. 

Aggression causes many to achieve something for themselves, it is a driving force – used correctly. But this positive aspect is demonized together with all the other negative ones. One remains behind in one’s personality development if one does not actively look for a better way to deal with “demonized feelings”. 

            In this context a consideration of the so-called “sensation-seeking” is certainly also exciting. An extraordinarily symbolic term for a feeling that so many people are looking for. Be it by riding the most blatant roller coasters or just watching the worst horror movies. But here we are also at one end of a scale, which in weaker forms also includes lighter depictions of violence or even unfavorable behavior, such as “curiosity”. 

But I am no psychologist. My observations mainly include my own experiences, but I can justifiably claim that I want to use “fearlust” as a pleasant thrill.

            A hunger for experience and stimulation (in a time as safe as the present one) certainly finds its origin in the unwanted, let alone lived out, urge to aggression or its experience. It was important to fight aggressively for survival at the right moment. And today? Where to put it, where it is not necessary to reach your goals by force? 

            So in moments when something triggers me and I feel aggression, I try a new way – instead of looking away – instead of being ashamed – being self-confident.

My path to resolution also includes hyping through crass series, loud music, roller coastering and feeling inside myself, enjoyment through empathy, and finally dismantling through sports and in conversations with others. 

Aggression has so many exciting sides that I still have to discover. 

And perhaps the attraction lies in the unpredictability of the feeling. It would be too easy if it could be easily controlled. How poor would a life be without the challenge to oneself? Vampyrism forces me to new reflections and consequently to personality development. When a hunger seizes me and focuses my attention, I want to be focused but never aggressive. I want to let the animal run a meter, so to speak, but keep the leash in my hand. I do not want to strangle it, trample it or hide it in the dark. It should complement and strengthen me. 

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