This post was approved by Valerian. He had no desire to make it anonymous. I would like to thank him once again officially and wish you all pleasure and insight while reading. 🙂
My name as Vampyre is Valerian Matar. I am male. At the time I am writing this story of my awakening, I am 53 years old. I am from Germany and originally come from Düsseldorf. I lived there for 33 years until I moved to the Munich area for professional reasons 20 years ago. I am a natural scientist by profession, a physicist to be exact, and work in the field of materials research.
I would describe myself as a hybrid vampyre, a mixture of psychic and sanguine vampyre, although the latter is weaker in me. It is important for me to take up life energy in the area of large crowds of people in the form of ambient energy or in direct contact with individual persons (of course by mutual agreement with the donor’s permission).
It was a long and rocky road until my awakening, because nobody introduced me to the society of the vampyres or guided me. Even as a child and very young person I noticed that there was something about me that made me different from other people. For example, I noticed again and again that people often behaved in a rejecting or even hostile way at the first contact with me, without me being able to give a reason for it. In addition, I often felt lacking in energy and slack, but I was very energetic, for example when I was in large crowds such as in the city center. However, I was not fully aware of this at first. With increasing age, however, I developed an ever-increasing hunger – I just didn’t know what for. When I was alone for a longer period of time and the hunger set in, I became restless, tense and depressed inside, even though I am a person who can wonderfully occupy myself for days on end. Then I had to be “among people”, so to speak. Since I lived on the outskirts of the big city, I went to the city center in this condition, where many people were staying. There I simply walked for hours through the streets and department stores. When I came home in the evening I was physically exhausted, but my inner energy was filled up and I was balanced again. The inner restlessness and tension and the associated hunger for energy had disappeared. From this, I practically developed the ritual of “going to town”. I already did this when I was ten years old and I still practice it today. When I didn’t have this opportunity to get to know people for a long time, for example during intensive learning phases in my studies, where I sometimes studied for weeks at home for exams and final examinations, I ate lots of chocolate bars as a substitute for the actual meals. Certainly, intensive learning phases require more energy, but that was not the decisive reason for me. It also worked in very everyday situations, for example when it rained in torrents for weeks in the Rhineland as usual and nobody went outside the door longer than necessary. With chocolate, the hunger for energy could be satisfied for a short time. But that really only worked for a short time. Soon the hunger came back. But the best thing about it was certainly that I did not gain weight. With a height of 1.81 m, I weighed 67 kg in my mid-twenties. I was quite lean and scrawny and I am still quite slim today. This lack of energy, the inner restlessness and the depressive states, I naturally put on external circumstances at that time, since I had not yet recognized the connections. My scientific education and approach stood in my way. Only much later I did gradually become aware of this in retrospect.
In the course of my adult life I developed a preference for dark topics. I often dressed in black clothes, but without being a fan of the gothic scene. I developed a love for romantic literature, especially dark romantic literature. In the 90’s I was fascinated by vampire movies, like Coppola’s Dracula film adaptation, “Interview with a Vampire” or the Blade series. These films and the subject of vampires in general appealed to me very much and made something in me vibrate, but it still wasn’t tangible.
In my late thirties, I developed an unquenchable inner urge to deal with completely different topics beyond physics after my exhausting studies and doctorate. These were things I had never been particularly interested in before: hypnosis, the unconscious, Jungian psychology, shamanism, the dark sides of man and especially the dark side of me. Topics, therefore, that had never moved me as a natural scientist. Looking back, I suspect that the hunger and the inner nature of the vampire unconsciously drove me in this direction. Both factors probably wanted to be consciously recognized and perceived, because during this time I fell into a hole inside. I had achieved everything I wanted professionally, but at the same time I felt empty and unhappy inside. Even hunger could no longer be satisfied as effectively as before with the usual methods. It was only after I started to deal with my inner worlds and listened more to my inner voice that things got better again. I became more balanced again and brought this inner side to vibrate, which I had not known before, and was then able to satisfy my hunger in a sustainable way. After several years of developing in this way, there was an intensification of events that triggered the process of awakening.
In 2007 there was an open conflict with my then supervisor, with whom I had been having problems on a subliminal level for several years. In his presence and in conversations with him, I repeatedly felt drained and lacking in energy. Shortly before that I came across a book by the author Catherine Ramsland about real vampires and learned that there is such a thing as psychic vampires that can rob a person of energy. At first I was skeptical, but with my further research on internet sites of the vampyre scene and more detailed books on the subject I gained more and more reliable information. And then suddenly I realized: Not (only) he was a vampyre, but I was one. Then I suddenly became completely aware of why I was constantly being attacked by humans. The people apparently felt unconsciously threatened by something in my nature and in my appearance. Probably they unconsciously felt something dark and threatening emanating from my person. My superior, with whom I had the conflict at the time, and who was a very egomaniacal and selfish character with many self-doubts and feelings of inferiority, must have felt very threatened. Because of his character he was an energy thief, maybe even a never awakened vampyre. However, the decisive factor for my cognitive process was the fact that my projections of his person were reflected back to me. Now that I had realized my true nature, I never allowed him to exert his ominous and energy-robbing influence on me again. I drained this energy channel. At the same time, I learned more and more to control and develop my inner nature. In doing so, I was helped by the internet and the literature of the vampyre scene, but also by my occupation with shamanism. The deeper I immersed myself in the matter, the more I noticed features and qualities in myself, which other vampyres also reported about. Thus I show a strong sensitivity to certain influences in some areas. I am quite sensitive to sunlight, which can cause me migraines and severe sunburn quite quickly, especially in summer, if I do not protect myself accordingly. In addition, many things that I experience with myself or other people very often stir me up inwardly and emotionally, although outwardly I usually appear to other people to be clarified and uninvolved. Furthermore, I am a distinct night person. When I don’t have to work, my rhythm of life is completely reversed. I turn night into day and sleep a lot during the day. However, these are only a few characteristics.
The process of awakening was quite complex for me. The basic process of awakening went very quickly after the inner realization suddenly rose within me during the extreme situation. It took me several weeks to accept this realization. After I had accepted my true nature, it took several years before I learned to develop and use my inclinations and qualities in a targeted way. This inner, spiritual process is still going on and will probably never be finished.
Over the years I developed a deeper understanding of what makes a real vampyre. Meanwhile I have even developed my own explanatory model for myself, which I can of course only present here in a short form.
For me, a vampyre is a person who has a certain recurring lack of life energy. This deficit of life energy causes a corresponding hunger in this person, so that (s)he has to compensate the lack. This can be done either through blood on the physical level or immaterial life energy on the psycho-soul level. A real (awakened) vampyre is fully aware of this lack of life energy and fully accepts his nature. To do this, it is necessary for the vampyre to merge his everyday side as an ordinary person and his dark side as a vampyre into a stable connection over time. Being a vampyre is therefore a double-edged sword. It has great advantages and leads to an intense awareness of life when you s a vampyre are a personality in balance on a physical, mental and spiritual level. If this succeeds, the vampire can master his hunger and satisfy it in a controlled and ethical way. If this does not succeed, the vampyre is a driven person without control to the detriment of his fellow human beings. It is like a curse if you have not found this balance.
I myself now live out my vampyrism very discreetly in my everyday life. I have managed to perceive my hunger consciously, to master it and to satisfy it in a controlled way. As already mentioned, I satisfy my hunger primarily by absorbing psychic environmental energy in the inner cities of big cities and special locations (bars, cafés, etc.) and intensive personal encounters, but also by eating fresh food and food with animal blood. Contrary to what some vampyres say, I have made the experience that not only human blood satisfies hunger, but also animal blood is suitable for it. For a while I had a donor in terms of blood and psychic energy, but that was a few years ago. After the loss of the donor, I learned to feed myself again with psychic surrounding energy. I have been able to improve my relationships with my fellow human beings considerably in recent years, as I have managed to bring my nature of day-consciousness and inner unconscious shadow into a stable balance and to use my special abilities to my advantage. I now consciously live out my dark side and enjoy my interest in special literature, music, movies and special topics from history and psychology. I have found that being a vampyre leads to a new and particularly intense quality of life. As a vampyre you live more in the here and now and enjoy the moment. Overall, being a vampyre has enriched my life.