Shame and Protection
Shame was already a topic here and there in my blog. It’s usually not the most pleasant feeling – and yet I have to realize that it means more than glowing cheeks and a pulling in the stomach. Shame is a shimmering feeling, curse and blessing at the same time.
Shame – curse and blessing
We have all known shame since childhood. It is an innate affect and therefore a pleasure given to us all, independent of culture and socialization.
However, the last two variables mentioned above determine what makes us blush with shame.
As someone who has been socialized in a German-culturally influenced society, I have been ashamed with a preference for aggression or sadness, i.e. for “unwanted, dark” feelings. While a stain on my shirt or an “unadapted” hairstyle rather put a smile on my face (because of the reactions). Provocation thus plays with the shame of others.
The strength of the expression of the feeling, on the other hand, cannot be considered detached from the personal environment – just as few emotional events can be considered monocausal. My family history certainly did the rest to make me appear rather closed and to regard feelings as a private matter – but I would not be an awakening if I did not think about where my shame comes from and what it wants to tell me about myself.
Shame and its effect
In my time as an awakening, shame was my companion from the beginning. It stubbornly came up whenever I thought about the consumption of blood – this behavioral “anomaly” was sometimes humorous, sometimes pejorative, but secretly always negative.
Depending on the form of the day, I explained desire as “abstruse fetish”, “unusual inclination”, factually as “deviance” or even pejoratively as “disturbance”.
In the beginning, there was always the rejection of the “blood thirst”, a feeling that had not been trained in a socio-conform way or exemplified in others manner, and thus had to be explored and first be framed in a moral construct. No one had given me the “idea” to consume blood, no one around me followed this way of life (at least not that I knew of), so I started from scratch.
And although I had experience in attracting attention, either through my appearance or through my behavior, the blood thirst put me to the test in terms of self-love and acceptance. Things that I could have opposed the shame as a shield had to be found.
At first I simply hoped to be able to keep the secret easily. Nobody forced me to come out, nobody asked me to pursue the matter at all.
At the same time, the idea of coming out (mind you, only the closest) triggered a longing for acceptance and inner peace, which I hoped to achieve through others.
With time, I realized that I first had to accept myself in order to be able to initiate others afterwards and when, then optionally. I had to turn the tables.
And as time went by I became more aware of what I was doing, I had ups and downs like so many others in my situation already experienced on their own, and finally found a way to integrate the desire as much as possible. But when it came time to tell someone else about it, their acceptance didn’t matter anymore! Who cared what another thought?
My longing for acceptance could only be satisfied when I could accept myself and my desire.
It is remarkable how often you repeat some lessons before you internalize them…
My advice to all who want to hear it: Ask yourself if it would bother you if a loved one would like to drink blood or is BDSMer or gay as a substitute. If the answer is no, then ask yourself: Why do you measure with double standards?
I always tell myself that everything I do has a reason and that I cannot change it afterwards anyway. At that moment I acted with the help of the mental and emotional instruments that were available to me. So how could I not forgive my past self if it got caught in the nettles somewhere?
In retrospect, shame still likes to creep into my emotional life – I seem to have an obsession with it or it with me.
And even if it sounds as if I am done with the subject, I can proudly say – well, no!
My desire is not really under control and when it grabs me from behind, its twin, the shame, is the one that can rob me of the air I need to breathe. But I grow on it and know that it will subside with every step I take towards my goal.
Shame and protection
Shame is an exciting feeling, it can overwhelm, carry, you can play with it, provoke it – and you can learn so much from it. It is a pity that this feeling is devalued in such a way. Talk to a sub, who honors the feet of his mistress (apart from many other exciting levels this act addresses) according to his motives. Why feet? Is it perhaps shame that attracts him?
Here an unpleasant pulling turns into a pleasant tingling sensation.
People who know how to use shame for their own pleasure expand their emotional horizons. They take the sting out of an emotion that society accuses and condemns as harmful. But the inherent protective effect can also be directed against oneself.
The feeling of shame enables us to adapt our behavior in such a way that we do not attract attention. Social conformity – let’s be honest – is extremely comfortable! You can literally disappear from the scene, unseen, anonymous… but in its worst form it can also mean complete withdrawal.
It ensures that we are accepted and do not lose the protection of our own group. It is evolutionarily absolutely meaningful, but we have new possibilities to think about it. We can unlearn traditional ways of doing things and go new ways.