Confessio

vampir Blut

From Ava Lyna

 

After my experience I tried to write down my thoughts, which were circling around it, for a certain person. Therefore the text is addressed to this person.

 

What can I say… I like to talk, but probably more when it comes to everyday life or funny things. But here it is different, because it is so new for me, so untouched by all the bad things that had been put over my feelings. Until now.

It was a Saturday and I was on my way to you. Slightly relaxed, because I had been able to spend a few days with my brother before. These carefree days were rare since we lived so far away from each other and relaxation as such was not particularly a talent of mine. On the long way home “you” were now entered as the next destination in my navigation system.

We had already had a few months to get to know each other by studying together for university. You for your course of studies, me for mine. Because of the distance very contemporary via zoom and almost daily. Since we got along so well in the meantime, you couldn’t be missing on my route through this federal state. I looked at the temperature display of my car, it was hotter than it had been for a long time. That was really exhausting. But the thoughts that were spreading inside me about our upcoming days only made me feel this tingling nervousness that slowly put a gentle goose bump over my arms. It felt good. I had been working on this topic for over a year now. I had read, talked, written. Vampyrism had become an integral part of my catalog of thoughts. It already had a permanent room in my inner house,  so to say. But only for rent. Because secretly I cherished a small hope that the thirst would cease and that after this experience I would recognize his insanity, like a soap bubble that looks beautiful, but which will soon be gone again. Because that would have been the easiest thing to do. For my Protestant faith, for my strict family and for … my life? Who knows.

So I wanted to know. Nevertheless, I only assumed that I would donate this weekend. I was looking forward to it in a way I could not explain. I didn’t have enough energy right now, but I wanted to understand both sides of the coin and did what was necessary. I thought. And arrived.

There you stood before me. The discomfort of the first few minutes was gone quickly and we found topics of conversation. You showed me your home and we spent a nice day together in the big city. Many funny and beautiful events confirmed our sympathy for each other. It felt good to realize that. Someone who was so similar to me and yet so different. It was beautiful. Vaguely I began to enjoy this feeling and began to trust. I was relieved that apparently everything you told me about yourself was true.

In the evening the situation was crystal clear. We wanted to dare. I… wanted to dare, for you this was nothing new anymore. Nevertheless, you felt this moment as an honor, which at first I was very surprised about. Shouldn’t I rather consider it an honor to be initiated into your knowledge? Well, at least we had a mutually respectful point of view, which gave the whole project a sense of anticipation.

I thought a shower might tame my nervousness a little… I was wrong. So I sat down on your sofa and took a deep breath. You had already brought out a few utensils that we had discussed weeks ago. So in this new situation everything still seemed familiar to me. I had had enough time to get used to the idea that a blade would cut into my skin or yours for an effective reason, not for the purpose of self-harm.

You said something that touched me deeply: You wanted to donate to me first because I was more important right now. That was more respect for this situation than I thought I could stand. It felt good.

You chose a spot on your body and slowly cut it open. Those few seconds lasted an eternity for me. My nervousness overturned as well as the doubts that arose in me: What if I have to run to the toilet and throw up? How disrespectful and unpleasant that would be… What if my circulation goes bye-bye? What if I realize that it’s just disgusting, as disgusting as one should feel about it? Or the worst fear: What if I wake up tomorrow and it was good; and then I feel a never before felt guilty about my faith, for which I had sought justification for so long. Then I would need something that I could not afford.

The thoughts flew out of my head with one look. It was the moment when you gave me your arm and looked at me encouragingly. Friendly and connected. Your arm. The blood.

It looked so beautiful. How it began to run from your cut, forming fine beads on the outer edge of the fine line. I took your arm in my hands, as if you were now leaving it to me. Never before had the desire to drink felt as strong as it did right now. Nevertheless, I hesitated for a moment because of the devotion that came up in me. A feeling of honor. Then I began to drink very slowly and timidly. The moment when I tasted your blood in my mouth was by far the most satisfying moment I could wish for in this situation. My whole body became warm and reacted to the situation, and with each additional sip the feeling of unbridled freedom and joy continued to sweep me away. I felt a little tipsy but very clear. At the same time, the feeling of closeness never experienced in this way pulled me back into your room and seemed to connect us. I tried to categorize this closeness when I paused briefly. This was not a closeness from a marriage, this was not a closeness from a friendship, but something completely new, something indefinable, if not experienced by oneself. Once again I took a deep breath. This time not to escape the tension, but to feel lightness, which seemed to ground me in a paradoxical way and let me fall into a peace. In peace. In serenity. I was serene, even though I was not used to relaxation. It was astonishingly beautiful. Uplifting. As if this feeling ensured that I stayed with myself, formed a unity with myself and was finally enough for me. A missing element in the picture was inserted.

You asked me how I was feeling and all I said was: “Right. I feel right.” That was probably an attempt to verbalize that I felt more like myself than I had ever felt in my life. That was right for me. Not being a passenger in my life and watching my life drive away from me. But to be the driver myself. Not to sleep anymore. But to be awake. To be awaken.

“And I can hear just fine,” I added. You explained to me that this could be true and I received some other information. Always well dosed, as an intermediate course, if you like.

I fell into your arms. I felt like I was coming home. As if I had just been away for a long time and was now back again. Like an old woman remembering the past. You felt the same happiness. My satisfied smile was hard to get off my face.

There was so much more emotion, so many thoughts in this situation. But these are our memories.

You showed me a path that night that led me to myself. Which gives my feet a secure footing. That gives my heart a direction. And which gives my head clarity.

And I thank you for that.

Vampyres Awakening – A wild travel

Vampyrisches Erwachen, vampyres awakening

Vampyric awakening is a concept within the real vampyre community that can best be described as “becoming aware”. Vampyres are therefore not made, but born as such. At least they have a corresponding emotional and behavioral disposition, although we are not talking about a new species here. Rather, it refers to a certain mindset, special experiences that have been made, and the often inexplicable desire for blood or the urge to absorb energy. In the end, these factors usually lead to an approach to the topic of vampyrism.

Read more

Born to Darkness

Psychic awakening

Psychic Awakening 

By Legio Sanguinis

 

Growing up is inevitable. Childhood’s end is marked by the realization that the fantasies and stories we were told as children can only prepare us so much for the real world. We learn about heroes, villains and monsters. At the core of these stories are these archetypes; Idealised embodiments of the whole of human experience. The way in which these archetypes take form for us is dependent upon our upbringing; Whether we chose to believe in an overall order in the Cosmos or not is our own decision. Are we the hero, or the villain in our own story? Or do we fall somewhere in between?

 

Some of us have a second growing up of sorts. Aside from coming to terms with the harshness of the world and its seeming lack of orderliness at times, we are able to sense  invisible entanglements which join all things. These links can be emotions such as suffering; Pain; Joy, and even pleasure. In a strange way, we can follow these like a beacon; Drawn to them like moths to a flame, or sharks to blood. 

This isn’t something which is taught, nor which can be exactly learnt, but definitely a skill which is honed and perfected. The way in which a fish instinctively knows how to breathe underwater, so do we few have to face the incontrovertible reality of our nature and how to follow it with caution.
Trying to go against it is as futile as battling the course of the wind, for it will tear us apart. When acting against it, we deny ourselves and can enter states which in themselves are utterly destructive. Our only course of action is to take wing, and allow it to do the rest. 

Nourishment is thought only as that which the physical body requires to keep going. Certainly, as beings who exist as corporeal entities, we need food. This is what our organs break down and turn it into energy. We open our eyes and break our nightly fast. We exit our places of habitation and head to perform menial tasks for remuneration, and so on…day after day. Surely I need not go into the minutiae and trivialities of the mundane activities we get up to. Yet, it is the mundane which serves as a sort of baseline for that which is less than ‘usual’ about us. 

In a very real sense, we are like others in the natural world. We are born, we grow old and eventually expire. What happens afterwards is entirely up for debate. It is how we go through these stages which marks exactly how it is we deviate from the ‘norm’. Nature and evolution have taken billions of years to produce creatures as intricate as we, to be sure. 

And by ‘we’ I mean vampyres.

 

Such a charged word, there. Certainly, countless writers and authors have covered the subject ad nauseam. Since the inception of the idea and the myth, enough accounts and testimonies have been provided to fill an entire library, or more. Monstrous creatures in the night come to steal the life force of the living. How utterly terrifying.

I for one know that I am not one of those undead abominations. I am under no such delusion of grandeur. I am very much a breathing, living person with the same needs as other living organisms, with a small variation.

If we are familiar with genetics, a single change in one’s DNA brings forth a mutation. Enough changes and thus comes forth a whole different species. I am not, to the best of my knowledge other than homo sapiens. However, I do feel there is a need in me which is unmet by forms of gathering sustenance common to other carbon-based life-forms. And that is a certain hunger which goes far deeper.

When I mean hunger, you the reader may conjure up in your mind a ravenous, famished beast out to rip throats and tear bodies to shreds. If only it were that simple and dramatic. The appeal of the vampyre in film is their ease; Ease to just be away from civilization and to move in the shadows; Unseen and unencumbered by physical limitations, or the constraints of time and mortality.
I, however, am just as mortal as anybody else. My hunger presents itself in the form of an ‘energy’ deficiency. When I think energy, I think of that which is generated within living organisms, as well as particles bursting all around us in the universe. 

You, I, and all of us are made up of energy. Our bodies give off heat, and our cells burn and move, filled with it. It is then no small thing to make the claim which I am about to make. And that is of the existence of frequencies which are invisible to the eye. Perhaps on some subatomic level, they are all around us. And we, the gifted few are able to tap into them in some form of another. I am of the belief that our physical body is imbued with such frequencies and ‘subtler’, ethereal forces which coincide with the workings of our own physical body.

Were I not so sure of my own sanity, I would be as equally worried. There is no terminology which can be used to describe what I admittedly know to be true about myself without coming off as some vapid, New Age drivel. Some occultists and seekers of “hidden truths” within our community of “Psi Vampyres” are fond of using obscure language that coincides with and borrows from religious and spiritual philosophies. This, unfortunately, appears to be the only available manner of explaining that which we are to the world at large.

I will not deny the non-corporeal elements of my own nature and that which allows me to continue living a more full, healthy life. This I learnt after much introspection and reading the works of well-renowned individuals involved in these areas of expertise. 

As previously mentioned, though we receive ample health benefits which our physical body requires from consuming food, there has always been an additional need to take from that which is referred to as life force, or Qi (氣), in traditional Chinese culture, and which is present in life-forms.

Why this occurs has been hypothesized about. Some claim that it is due to some imbalance within our subtle bodies, which some would call ‘astral’ or ‘ethereal’. Perhaps even a deficit within the energy centres, referred to as chakras by the general population. As to what extent this is true, I do not exactly know.

All I know is that once I engage in this absorption of ‘energy’ from another, I feel better. For years I was riddled with physical afflictions such as migraines and nosebleeds, as well as bone fractures. Interaction with individuals claiming to be vampyres aided that which is known as ‘awakening’, and eventual increase in health.

I could say that the process was similar to discovering a new flavour of ice-cream. A flavour which can neither be described properly with words, nor can it be shown to others. How can I prove to you that this flavour exists if neither of us can describe what it tastes like? I truly hate the pitfalls of ‘faith’, or whatever it is we wish to refer to it as. Yet there it is, and it exists. It was very much like finding the Holy Grail, if I may be allowed to use such grandiose language. I understand it is not a panacea, and that all of a sudden I will not be granted complete immunity from the ills and the tribulations which plague us living beings. That would be quite silly and absurd of me.

In this discovery I found a way to gain access to it at any time, as well. I understood, in my own limited way, that it was something which my body had been missing. I cast off my so-called mentors whose agendas were less than savoury and focused on developing myself. For a period of about eight years I found a way to block this conscious form of feeding, so to speak. That time, where I had once more found myself at a crossroads proved to be unbelievably harmful to my health both physically and mentally, perhaps to the extent where neurological conditions which were perhaps dormant manifested fully, thus wreaking havoc on my psyche and my body. There was indeed a chasm which could not be filled by anything. Not relationships, food or frivolous activities which were borderline dangerous seemed to do anything for me.

Perhaps it met my requirements; As one ravenous beast would feast even on the dregs and the leftover carcasses of roadkill, so I took whatever was given me without a second thought. 

It is now, nearing my thirty-first year of life that I have gained a much better understanding of myself. Past the mythological and over-romanticised aspects of being a vampyre, and the flawed teachings of those I once trusted. I understand why I do what I must do, and I must do so selectively. And as I am today a vegan, so am I an ethical vampyre who carefully chooses who it is I take Qi from. For what my subtle body takes interferes entirely with the rest of my physical body in ways which not even I can fully comprehend. Mens sana in corpore sano.

Furthermore, I have finally encountered someone who is just as interested in my well-being as myself. It is through his help that I am able to now accept and embrace who I am. 

Vampyrism is different for us all. Some may link it to a spiritual development, whereas others regard it as an extension of their own physiological processes. Maybe it is both, or something else entirely.
We have a dual ending: That of our childhood, and that of our mundane lives, if that is what we decide to refer to them as. In the end, only each and every one of us gets to decide what it really means to be a vampyre. 

 

Shifts

Shift

My breath goes slower and deeper. My posture has changed. I stretch out my chin as if I wanted to pick up a scent. My muscles feel supple, I feel the inherent strength. I am relaxed and focused at the same time.

My gaze loses its sharpness, but I perceive my outer field of vision, the fine hairs on my cheeks stand up, feeling every breeze.

My mouth is watering… I see blood. This special way of changing my perception of blood can be described in a similar way. These “shifts” are well known in the scene, but do not resonate with every echo. Not everyone feels so instinctively addressed by a “meal”. There is even a whole group that follows this rather animalistic approach of Realyvampyrism.

Instinct Theory

One of many theories on this is found in the innate hunting instinct of humans. Even if this instinct is no longer known or experienced as such, the evolutionary component cannot be overestimated. Aggression and the willingness to use violence were once extremely useful behaviors for hunting, but they could also be acted out in it. Today… – well, those with a surplus of martial arts or mutate to hooligans on weekends. It is only right to call a human being rational, if one considers that he can only be placed on a scale between instinctive acting (unconsciously) and rational. Special attention is also paid here to the veto right of the own consciousness. However, before a decision to act (which, according to the latest findings of brain research, was taken unconsciously and then transferred to consciousness), a last part of the brain has the right to veto. Who hasn’t yet caught himself reaching for the last bar of chocolate and then stopping his hand before reaching the delicacy in motion?

Dealing with a shift – morality as a protective shield

Such shifts are not always triggered and not always allowed. What do I mean by this? The sight of blood can, but need not, cause such a reaction on the part of the vampire. If the vampire is saturated or simply relaxed, he may or may not trigger the shift on a purely voluntary basis. Usually this is perceived as pleasant, it is an experience.

But some people can also be taken by surprise and avoid triggers altogether. For clarification: A shift is simply a shift in perception. There is no talk of an active action to end this state – it may or may not follow afterwards.

But if these shifts are triggered, they can be overwhelming. Then it is a matter of keeping calm or at least regaining calm.

Under certain conditions, a safe acting out is possible – an initiated donor, safety precautions, a safe space… which is necessary.

The goal must never be to act out the hunting instinct in an actual hunt, i.e. to grab and/or injure another person. There are rules, a morality and this can surely not be simply “overridden”, even if this state can be partly exhausting. And this is where our own morals use their veto right, even if it means energetic effort at this moment – the state is tempting, but acting out the same would possibly have unwanted consequences. The tension between these two poles is endured or pacified.

Self control and limits

It is a dark part of oneself, a shadow side that is tempting, but should only lead to satisfaction when controlled.

No vamp wants to have to deal with his conscience afterwards, because he might have burdened a loved one beyond his limits. And certainly not one would like to make oneself legally attackable, because one has harmed someone in a way not agreed upon (Legally, as a sanguine practitioner one always moves in a grey area!)

But if you get the chance to live out your life in a controlled way, this control can become a strengthening element, in the sense of an ability that builds you up and enriches your own feeling with a mesmerizing component.

Those who are able to act out their behavior within the framework of their own morality and in consultation with other participants will also recognize their own limits. This realization offers the possibility to perceive oneself more consciously. Boundaries do not have to have a restrictive effect, but can also help you to recognize your place in the world. They can integrate you and give you security.

The shift as a link between the unconscious and the conscious

A shift gives you a wonderful opportunity to loosen up the always active, consciously acting and reason-led behavior. You can trace the sensation, give it space, discard shame, go on a dream journey, explore your own fantasies. There is still time for a revision afterwards.

(I’m not talking about letting go and crossing boundaries!) Meditation exercises in this state can certainly lead to a more holistic picture of the self. A shift may be able to show you your own darker sides, to look at them, to make friends with them and finally to integrate them.

Those who deal with shamansimus in a special way or call themselves Otherkin o.A. can meet their own animal being or their companion here.

 

This article is only a first insight into the complex of topics “animal in the vampyre”. The topic is still being explored by me and I am happy about new insights every day. This blog should help you to recognize yourself, to know that you are not alone with your feelings. If you feel the need to add your own little blog post here, please contact me 😉

The Beast in the Vampyre

Blood Droplet

The Beast in the Vampyre – A short preface

In vampyrism there is a concept of the dragon/beast/animal in the self of a vampyre. Here we dive deeply into the spiritual-mythological approaches of the vampire self-understanding. To avoid confusion with the concept of Jung’s shadow: It is not about suppressed contents that take on a form of their own.

An example: Someone who was neglected by his parents as a child clings today – he will possibly solve the problem if he becomes aware of this shadow, i.e. this repressed state. Here you can read more about the concept of the shadow: Man and his symbols (link comes up soon)

Here it is rather about a dark part of the vampyre’s own personality, which is often conscious of the vampire, which does not always think morally and which can also frighten the vampyre himself. An example also for this: The neighbor is annoying by playing loud music. You think about how to harm him (but without doing it – at best!). Depending on which violent fantasy you pursue, you can be frightened about what is going on inside you.

I think everybody feels these wild, dark parts in themselves – only nobody talks about it, because we are social beings who need acceptance in society in order to survive or at least to feel comfortable.

With this foreword in the back of my mind, I now dare to interpret the concept.

The concept of the untamed portion


Basically, people and people who consider themselves to be vampyres do not differ here – the difference is not whether this part is present or not, but that the vampire is aware of it. In his confrontation with himself, he dares to penetrate earlier or even more intensively into these rather dark chambers of his soul and to actually look at what lies dormant there. Some people explain this with corresponding experiences, others do not call worse traumatic experiences their own, which could be the basis for an explanation. So it is less about what we have experienced – or not – but rather about the way we understand ourselves and our behavior, whether we cling to the light or allow the shadow to play its part.  

Bad experiences, a psychological imbalance or an acute phase of stress can leave their traces, some remain present for a lifetime, others fade away – but they always remain a scar. The “right” way to deal with these triggers and their consequences must be explored subjectively – what works for one person does not necessarily work just as well for another.

What is certain is that, in order to understand ourselves as a whole, we must turn our eyes away from the sun for once, in order to finally be able to see ourselves in the shadow that light first creates. This costs energy and should at best be done in awareness of the possible consequences. Help from outside may also be necessary. Don’t be frightened, because the result is a completely new understanding of yourself and your place in the world.

This dark part now can show itself as a fantasy of violence, as deep sadness or in a completely different form.  We can try to see this part, tolerate it, accept it and finally even use it as a source of strength.


An example:

I have never learned to argue. When it became difficult, everything was hushed up – the proverbial elephant in the room. One day I had my first panic attack – and fought for a year to get back into a normal life. The panic attacks were a more than clear indication that I urgently needed to learn to communicate my problems and feelings.

It took me some time to understand this, but when I realized this, I had the chance to look at it and understand the panic: This is a part of me that wants to tell me something. I don’t need to be afraid of the panic, I just need someone to whom I can tell just how I am!

And so the knot came loose.

 

Vampyres (and here again I never talk about all of them!) approach their true nature in their development, oscillating in phases. As you can follow here so well, I also radiate and doubt again and again, only to speak of myself as a vampyre some time later with all my love. This process takes time and energy and patience with myself. And patience is not one of my strengths… But no matter how the journey ends, I learn an incredible amount about myself and it is worth the effort.

FREUD’S CONCEPT FOR THE SOUL BUILDING – “The Ego and the Id”

“It is the dark, inaccessible part of our personality; the little we know about it, we have experienced through the study of dream work and neurotic symptom formation, and most of it has a negative character, can only be described as the opposite of the ego. We approach the Id flat with comparisons, calling it a chaos, a cauldron of seething excitement.” – Sigmund Freud: New sequence of lectures

Now we want to take a closer look at the nature of the animal. Its most striking characteristic might be its uncontrollability, at least that’s what I associate here. According to my own understanding, the concept of the animal could be comparable to that of the “Id” in Freud’s psychic structural model, i.e. the part of the personality that acts unconsciously, but above all in relation to itself. There is a lust, a desire and this does not tolerate any delay. Here live affects, libido and “Destrudo”, as Wikipedia so beautifully describes the will to destroy.

According to Freud, there is also the super-ego, which in its behavior stands in opposition to the ego, i.e. it fights against the ego sensibly and downright with the weapons of its own mind. On a macro-level, the “id” embodies one’s own needs, while the “super-ego” wants to or has to follow given commandments and social norms (i.e. especially prohibitions).

And finally, the “I” stands between the two, so to speak, and tries to strike a balance between desire and impatience on the one hand and cool mind and calculation on the other. It acts in critical awareness and tries to stop its own drives – which in turn is a mandatory prerequisite for a healthy social structure, but leads to inner conflicts when an imbalance is provoked.

The animal now moves more on an instinctive level, it embodies the ego and its needs. It proceeds wildly and impetuously, even against its own “landlord”, who then tries to keep it in check with means it has learned on the one hand, and those which are innate to it on the other – sometimes with great effort. It is necessary to give him leash, to give him a leeway without losing control.

Imbalance


The real danger now would be to take the leash off the animal – usually this is hardly possible to the full extent, at least for all those with an intact moral compass. Murderers and sex offenders are often enough diagnosed with a brain injury or a structural psychosocial change due to trauma. An injury or a birth defect can certainly lead to behavioral changes. Consider the case of Phineas Gage.

In our case, however, I assume that the moral compass works very well and that every reader knows his conscience. This instance, which makes life difficult for you when you have eaten the last cookie of your partner, for example. So in order to be able to create a balance between instinct and mind, this control instance is needed.

But what if this instance starts to falter?

To my shame, I have to admit that it hasn’t been three years since I did and said some questionable things myself. At that time, I was very much concerned with the rather darker parts of the human being and recognized these in myself. With every book I read and every documentary I watched, I sank deeper into a swamp of questions about the existence of an universal morality and my own limits. After only a few weeks I noticed how my moral boundaries shifted and as a result the animal grew within me. My conscience became quieter and quieter and when I write about it today, my heart sinks. Obviously a kind of desensitization took place, which I could only turn around with difficulty in the end. The price was deep-seated shame and, to be honest, a deep shock at what I was capable of and at how much joy it had given me to exceed the limits of others.

I had given the animal too much leash.

However, in my honour I must also admit that my conscience is one of the more persistent kind. I usually move within narrow limits, perhaps more narrow than some others. What I have given of myself this year would only bring a tired smile to Hannibal Lecter.

But since then I feel my limits more clearly.

The goal – a healthy handling of the own animal


During my research on the topic I had some inspiring conversations with vampyres who told me about their experiences with their own animal.

A vampyre probably rarely comes closer to his animal than in a drinking situation. It rears up, the desire for blood becomes unrestrained. The focus is on the here and now, on the red warm wet that runs over skin, looking for a way down, bright and promising. Where I myself write these lines, I imagine such a situation and feel agitated. There is this tension in my jaw again.

The mind closes in and fog covers the borders to the outside world like absorbent cotton. The otherwise omnipresent feeling for one’s own physical boundaries blurs and makes way for a new unity. The animal is allowed to leave its cave for a few moments.

This state can be accompanied by all kinds of different mental states of consciousness and physical changes. Trance, which reaches to a dissociative state, inner peace and focus, which are similar to meditation, but also effervescent and dominant moments arise. Growling, scratching and biting (not for blood! 😉 ), scuffling, tingling goose bumps, heavy breathing, bared teeth, physical dominance… and the deep satisfaction and silence that the animal leaves behind when it withdraws once the desire is satisfied. 

Integration and Consensus


The metaphor of the animal is perfectly suited to establish a relationship with your own animal. Instead of a nebulous dark figure, this part becomes tangible. One can occupy oneself with it in a way, which makes an integration possible into the own “mental house”.

For me at least the idea of a dark companion helps, who stands by my side and gives me strength and in return also roams freely. It comes to a consensus with myself, which enables me to reach a consensus with others.

 

My heartfelt thanks go especially to Cessedy, who gave me an insight into her own being.