Confessio

vampir Blut

From Ava Lyna

 

After my experience I tried to write down my thoughts, which were circling around it, for a certain person. Therefore the text is addressed to this person.

 

What can I say… I like to talk, but probably more when it comes to everyday life or funny things. But here it is different, because it is so new for me, so untouched by all the bad things that had been put over my feelings. Until now.

It was a Saturday and I was on my way to you. Slightly relaxed, because I had been able to spend a few days with my brother before. These carefree days were rare since we lived so far away from each other and relaxation as such was not particularly a talent of mine. On the long way home “you” were now entered as the next destination in my navigation system.

We had already had a few months to get to know each other by studying together for university. You for your course of studies, me for mine. Because of the distance very contemporary via zoom and almost daily. Since we got along so well in the meantime, you couldn’t be missing on my route through this federal state. I looked at the temperature display of my car, it was hotter than it had been for a long time. That was really exhausting. But the thoughts that were spreading inside me about our upcoming days only made me feel this tingling nervousness that slowly put a gentle goose bump over my arms. It felt good. I had been working on this topic for over a year now. I had read, talked, written. Vampyrism had become an integral part of my catalog of thoughts. It already had a permanent room in my inner house,  so to say. But only for rent. Because secretly I cherished a small hope that the thirst would cease and that after this experience I would recognize his insanity, like a soap bubble that looks beautiful, but which will soon be gone again. Because that would have been the easiest thing to do. For my Protestant faith, for my strict family and for … my life? Who knows.

So I wanted to know. Nevertheless, I only assumed that I would donate this weekend. I was looking forward to it in a way I could not explain. I didn’t have enough energy right now, but I wanted to understand both sides of the coin and did what was necessary. I thought. And arrived.

There you stood before me. The discomfort of the first few minutes was gone quickly and we found topics of conversation. You showed me your home and we spent a nice day together in the big city. Many funny and beautiful events confirmed our sympathy for each other. It felt good to realize that. Someone who was so similar to me and yet so different. It was beautiful. Vaguely I began to enjoy this feeling and began to trust. I was relieved that apparently everything you told me about yourself was true.

In the evening the situation was crystal clear. We wanted to dare. I… wanted to dare, for you this was nothing new anymore. Nevertheless, you felt this moment as an honor, which at first I was very surprised about. Shouldn’t I rather consider it an honor to be initiated into your knowledge? Well, at least we had a mutually respectful point of view, which gave the whole project a sense of anticipation.

I thought a shower might tame my nervousness a little… I was wrong. So I sat down on your sofa and took a deep breath. You had already brought out a few utensils that we had discussed weeks ago. So in this new situation everything still seemed familiar to me. I had had enough time to get used to the idea that a blade would cut into my skin or yours for an effective reason, not for the purpose of self-harm.

You said something that touched me deeply: You wanted to donate to me first because I was more important right now. That was more respect for this situation than I thought I could stand. It felt good.

You chose a spot on your body and slowly cut it open. Those few seconds lasted an eternity for me. My nervousness overturned as well as the doubts that arose in me: What if I have to run to the toilet and throw up? How disrespectful and unpleasant that would be… What if my circulation goes bye-bye? What if I realize that it’s just disgusting, as disgusting as one should feel about it? Or the worst fear: What if I wake up tomorrow and it was good; and then I feel a never before felt guilty about my faith, for which I had sought justification for so long. Then I would need something that I could not afford.

The thoughts flew out of my head with one look. It was the moment when you gave me your arm and looked at me encouragingly. Friendly and connected. Your arm. The blood.

It looked so beautiful. How it began to run from your cut, forming fine beads on the outer edge of the fine line. I took your arm in my hands, as if you were now leaving it to me. Never before had the desire to drink felt as strong as it did right now. Nevertheless, I hesitated for a moment because of the devotion that came up in me. A feeling of honor. Then I began to drink very slowly and timidly. The moment when I tasted your blood in my mouth was by far the most satisfying moment I could wish for in this situation. My whole body became warm and reacted to the situation, and with each additional sip the feeling of unbridled freedom and joy continued to sweep me away. I felt a little tipsy but very clear. At the same time, the feeling of closeness never experienced in this way pulled me back into your room and seemed to connect us. I tried to categorize this closeness when I paused briefly. This was not a closeness from a marriage, this was not a closeness from a friendship, but something completely new, something indefinable, if not experienced by oneself. Once again I took a deep breath. This time not to escape the tension, but to feel lightness, which seemed to ground me in a paradoxical way and let me fall into a peace. In peace. In serenity. I was serene, even though I was not used to relaxation. It was astonishingly beautiful. Uplifting. As if this feeling ensured that I stayed with myself, formed a unity with myself and was finally enough for me. A missing element in the picture was inserted.

You asked me how I was feeling and all I said was: “Right. I feel right.” That was probably an attempt to verbalize that I felt more like myself than I had ever felt in my life. That was right for me. Not being a passenger in my life and watching my life drive away from me. But to be the driver myself. Not to sleep anymore. But to be awake. To be awaken.

“And I can hear just fine,” I added. You explained to me that this could be true and I received some other information. Always well dosed, as an intermediate course, if you like.

I fell into your arms. I felt like I was coming home. As if I had just been away for a long time and was now back again. Like an old woman remembering the past. You felt the same happiness. My satisfied smile was hard to get off my face.

There was so much more emotion, so many thoughts in this situation. But these are our memories.

You showed me a path that night that led me to myself. Which gives my feet a secure footing. That gives my heart a direction. And which gives my head clarity.

And I thank you for that.

Vampyres Awakening – A wild travel

Vampyrisches Erwachen, vampyres awakening

Vampyric awakening is a concept within the real vampyre community that can best be described as “becoming aware”. Vampyres are therefore not made, but born as such. At least they have a corresponding emotional and behavioral disposition, although we are not talking about a new species here. Rather, it refers to a certain mindset, special experiences that have been made, and the often inexplicable desire for blood or the urge to absorb energy. In the end, these factors usually lead to an approach to the topic of vampyrism.

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Born to Darkness

Psychic awakening

Psychic Awakening 

By Legio Sanguinis

 

Growing up is inevitable. Childhood’s end is marked by the realization that the fantasies and stories we were told as children can only prepare us so much for the real world. We learn about heroes, villains and monsters. At the core of these stories are these archetypes; Idealised embodiments of the whole of human experience. The way in which these archetypes take form for us is dependent upon our upbringing; Whether we chose to believe in an overall order in the Cosmos or not is our own decision. Are we the hero, or the villain in our own story? Or do we fall somewhere in between?

 

Some of us have a second growing up of sorts. Aside from coming to terms with the harshness of the world and its seeming lack of orderliness at times, we are able to sense  invisible entanglements which join all things. These links can be emotions such as suffering; Pain; Joy, and even pleasure. In a strange way, we can follow these like a beacon; Drawn to them like moths to a flame, or sharks to blood. 

This isn’t something which is taught, nor which can be exactly learnt, but definitely a skill which is honed and perfected. The way in which a fish instinctively knows how to breathe underwater, so do we few have to face the incontrovertible reality of our nature and how to follow it with caution.
Trying to go against it is as futile as battling the course of the wind, for it will tear us apart. When acting against it, we deny ourselves and can enter states which in themselves are utterly destructive. Our only course of action is to take wing, and allow it to do the rest. 

Nourishment is thought only as that which the physical body requires to keep going. Certainly, as beings who exist as corporeal entities, we need food. This is what our organs break down and turn it into energy. We open our eyes and break our nightly fast. We exit our places of habitation and head to perform menial tasks for remuneration, and so on…day after day. Surely I need not go into the minutiae and trivialities of the mundane activities we get up to. Yet, it is the mundane which serves as a sort of baseline for that which is less than ‘usual’ about us. 

In a very real sense, we are like others in the natural world. We are born, we grow old and eventually expire. What happens afterwards is entirely up for debate. It is how we go through these stages which marks exactly how it is we deviate from the ‘norm’. Nature and evolution have taken billions of years to produce creatures as intricate as we, to be sure. 

And by ‘we’ I mean vampyres.

 

Such a charged word, there. Certainly, countless writers and authors have covered the subject ad nauseam. Since the inception of the idea and the myth, enough accounts and testimonies have been provided to fill an entire library, or more. Monstrous creatures in the night come to steal the life force of the living. How utterly terrifying.

I for one know that I am not one of those undead abominations. I am under no such delusion of grandeur. I am very much a breathing, living person with the same needs as other living organisms, with a small variation.

If we are familiar with genetics, a single change in one’s DNA brings forth a mutation. Enough changes and thus comes forth a whole different species. I am not, to the best of my knowledge other than homo sapiens. However, I do feel there is a need in me which is unmet by forms of gathering sustenance common to other carbon-based life-forms. And that is a certain hunger which goes far deeper.

When I mean hunger, you the reader may conjure up in your mind a ravenous, famished beast out to rip throats and tear bodies to shreds. If only it were that simple and dramatic. The appeal of the vampyre in film is their ease; Ease to just be away from civilization and to move in the shadows; Unseen and unencumbered by physical limitations, or the constraints of time and mortality.
I, however, am just as mortal as anybody else. My hunger presents itself in the form of an ‘energy’ deficiency. When I think energy, I think of that which is generated within living organisms, as well as particles bursting all around us in the universe. 

You, I, and all of us are made up of energy. Our bodies give off heat, and our cells burn and move, filled with it. It is then no small thing to make the claim which I am about to make. And that is of the existence of frequencies which are invisible to the eye. Perhaps on some subatomic level, they are all around us. And we, the gifted few are able to tap into them in some form of another. I am of the belief that our physical body is imbued with such frequencies and ‘subtler’, ethereal forces which coincide with the workings of our own physical body.

Were I not so sure of my own sanity, I would be as equally worried. There is no terminology which can be used to describe what I admittedly know to be true about myself without coming off as some vapid, New Age drivel. Some occultists and seekers of “hidden truths” within our community of “Psi Vampyres” are fond of using obscure language that coincides with and borrows from religious and spiritual philosophies. This, unfortunately, appears to be the only available manner of explaining that which we are to the world at large.

I will not deny the non-corporeal elements of my own nature and that which allows me to continue living a more full, healthy life. This I learnt after much introspection and reading the works of well-renowned individuals involved in these areas of expertise. 

As previously mentioned, though we receive ample health benefits which our physical body requires from consuming food, there has always been an additional need to take from that which is referred to as life force, or Qi (氣), in traditional Chinese culture, and which is present in life-forms.

Why this occurs has been hypothesized about. Some claim that it is due to some imbalance within our subtle bodies, which some would call ‘astral’ or ‘ethereal’. Perhaps even a deficit within the energy centres, referred to as chakras by the general population. As to what extent this is true, I do not exactly know.

All I know is that once I engage in this absorption of ‘energy’ from another, I feel better. For years I was riddled with physical afflictions such as migraines and nosebleeds, as well as bone fractures. Interaction with individuals claiming to be vampyres aided that which is known as ‘awakening’, and eventual increase in health.

I could say that the process was similar to discovering a new flavour of ice-cream. A flavour which can neither be described properly with words, nor can it be shown to others. How can I prove to you that this flavour exists if neither of us can describe what it tastes like? I truly hate the pitfalls of ‘faith’, or whatever it is we wish to refer to it as. Yet there it is, and it exists. It was very much like finding the Holy Grail, if I may be allowed to use such grandiose language. I understand it is not a panacea, and that all of a sudden I will not be granted complete immunity from the ills and the tribulations which plague us living beings. That would be quite silly and absurd of me.

In this discovery I found a way to gain access to it at any time, as well. I understood, in my own limited way, that it was something which my body had been missing. I cast off my so-called mentors whose agendas were less than savoury and focused on developing myself. For a period of about eight years I found a way to block this conscious form of feeding, so to speak. That time, where I had once more found myself at a crossroads proved to be unbelievably harmful to my health both physically and mentally, perhaps to the extent where neurological conditions which were perhaps dormant manifested fully, thus wreaking havoc on my psyche and my body. There was indeed a chasm which could not be filled by anything. Not relationships, food or frivolous activities which were borderline dangerous seemed to do anything for me.

Perhaps it met my requirements; As one ravenous beast would feast even on the dregs and the leftover carcasses of roadkill, so I took whatever was given me without a second thought. 

It is now, nearing my thirty-first year of life that I have gained a much better understanding of myself. Past the mythological and over-romanticised aspects of being a vampyre, and the flawed teachings of those I once trusted. I understand why I do what I must do, and I must do so selectively. And as I am today a vegan, so am I an ethical vampyre who carefully chooses who it is I take Qi from. For what my subtle body takes interferes entirely with the rest of my physical body in ways which not even I can fully comprehend. Mens sana in corpore sano.

Furthermore, I have finally encountered someone who is just as interested in my well-being as myself. It is through his help that I am able to now accept and embrace who I am. 

Vampyrism is different for us all. Some may link it to a spiritual development, whereas others regard it as an extension of their own physiological processes. Maybe it is both, or something else entirely.
We have a dual ending: That of our childhood, and that of our mundane lives, if that is what we decide to refer to them as. In the end, only each and every one of us gets to decide what it really means to be a vampyre. 

 

Shifts

Shift

My breath goes slower and deeper. My posture has changed. I stretch out my chin as if I wanted to pick up a scent. My muscles feel supple, I feel the inherent strength. I am relaxed and focused at the same time.

My gaze loses its sharpness, but I perceive my outer field of vision, the fine hairs on my cheeks stand up, feeling every breeze.

My mouth is watering… I see blood. This special way of changing my perception of blood can be described in a similar way. These “shifts” are well known in the scene, but do not resonate with every echo. Not everyone feels so instinctively addressed by a “meal”. There is even a whole group that follows this rather animalistic approach of Realyvampyrism.

Instinct Theory

One of many theories on this is found in the innate hunting instinct of humans. Even if this instinct is no longer known or experienced as such, the evolutionary component cannot be overestimated. Aggression and the willingness to use violence were once extremely useful behaviors for hunting, but they could also be acted out in it. Today… – well, those with a surplus of martial arts or mutate to hooligans on weekends. It is only right to call a human being rational, if one considers that he can only be placed on a scale between instinctive acting (unconsciously) and rational. Special attention is also paid here to the veto right of the own consciousness. However, before a decision to act (which, according to the latest findings of brain research, was taken unconsciously and then transferred to consciousness), a last part of the brain has the right to veto. Who hasn’t yet caught himself reaching for the last bar of chocolate and then stopping his hand before reaching the delicacy in motion?

Dealing with a shift – morality as a protective shield

Such shifts are not always triggered and not always allowed. What do I mean by this? The sight of blood can, but need not, cause such a reaction on the part of the vampire. If the vampire is saturated or simply relaxed, he may or may not trigger the shift on a purely voluntary basis. Usually this is perceived as pleasant, it is an experience.

But some people can also be taken by surprise and avoid triggers altogether. For clarification: A shift is simply a shift in perception. There is no talk of an active action to end this state – it may or may not follow afterwards.

But if these shifts are triggered, they can be overwhelming. Then it is a matter of keeping calm or at least regaining calm.

Under certain conditions, a safe acting out is possible – an initiated donor, safety precautions, a safe space… which is necessary.

The goal must never be to act out the hunting instinct in an actual hunt, i.e. to grab and/or injure another person. There are rules, a morality and this can surely not be simply “overridden”, even if this state can be partly exhausting. And this is where our own morals use their veto right, even if it means energetic effort at this moment – the state is tempting, but acting out the same would possibly have unwanted consequences. The tension between these two poles is endured or pacified.

Self control and limits

It is a dark part of oneself, a shadow side that is tempting, but should only lead to satisfaction when controlled.

No vamp wants to have to deal with his conscience afterwards, because he might have burdened a loved one beyond his limits. And certainly not one would like to make oneself legally attackable, because one has harmed someone in a way not agreed upon (Legally, as a sanguine practitioner one always moves in a grey area!)

But if you get the chance to live out your life in a controlled way, this control can become a strengthening element, in the sense of an ability that builds you up and enriches your own feeling with a mesmerizing component.

Those who are able to act out their behavior within the framework of their own morality and in consultation with other participants will also recognize their own limits. This realization offers the possibility to perceive oneself more consciously. Boundaries do not have to have a restrictive effect, but can also help you to recognize your place in the world. They can integrate you and give you security.

The shift as a link between the unconscious and the conscious

A shift gives you a wonderful opportunity to loosen up the always active, consciously acting and reason-led behavior. You can trace the sensation, give it space, discard shame, go on a dream journey, explore your own fantasies. There is still time for a revision afterwards.

(I’m not talking about letting go and crossing boundaries!) Meditation exercises in this state can certainly lead to a more holistic picture of the self. A shift may be able to show you your own darker sides, to look at them, to make friends with them and finally to integrate them.

Those who deal with shamansimus in a special way or call themselves Otherkin o.A. can meet their own animal being or their companion here.

 

This article is only a first insight into the complex of topics “animal in the vampyre”. The topic is still being explored by me and I am happy about new insights every day. This blog should help you to recognize yourself, to know that you are not alone with your feelings. If you feel the need to add your own little blog post here, please contact me 😉